I shouldn't be sitting here, contemplating whether or not I should tear my skin.
The urges are strong today, the voices know exactly what to say
The scars are fading, but I am not getting any better
Nevertheless, whatever happens, I deserved it.
I'm trying my best to be positive, all the time, I tried so hard probably ever since a few years back but the sadness and negativity is in my bones and I just don't know to change it.
Whenever I am positive, I get scared or I don't feel like I am myself.
I am addicted to my thoughts and can never change anything since I can't change my thinking.
The past few days has been tormenting.
It's like, you sit there, trying so hard to enjoy yourself or to distract yourself and maybe it did, for a couple of minutes or hours but there will be this "space" in between or even at the end of the day when you lie in the bed, reality hit you hard. The pain hit you hard.
It hits you so hard on your chest. I couldn't cry because I was too tired to.
I know self-harm is a stupid thing to do, and all those advises?
I heard it, I read it, I even tell it to people.
I'm really a joke. I really am.
I hate the fact that I am destroying myself and making myself look even uglier and am getting myself so many stares but I really don't know how to deal this sadness within me or perhaps the stubborn me, who wants to choose this path to relieve my pain.
I'm getting myself into this trouble where if my parents sees this, what will they do or think, I couldn't imagine. But every time I cut, I couldn't care less, all I know is I hate myself, and I need to do this. The regret part comes in later and the cycle repeats.
Thus, I deserve it because I choose it.
I know this is wrong, I know this concept and mindset is wrong, I need help.
But like I said, I don't want these help.
I'm not crazy neither am I trying to gain attention so all those motherfucking asshole who think cutting is for attention GO FUCK YOURSELF. Anyway, whatever I say there are still a majority who doesn't believe. Its Ok.
Lastly, I know that actually all these thinking I have is just a small matter because there are far more people who are experiencing a much worst case scenario than me where here I am, having parents who aren't divorce and so far with a normal health, have a few best friends, have a WONDERFUL best boyfriend who tolerates all my shit no matter how many times I tried to fuck this relationship up.
I already have a few people who will be there for me unlike those who have none to rely on.
But I don't know why I just feel this is my battle and it is only right if I feel alone, and have myself to count on to and nobody else.
I am just a messed up, fucked up girl, and I will always and am born to envy all these beautiful perfect little humans out there who still have this beautiful positive minds of them thinking there's still a whole new beautiful life awaiting for them.
PS/
Let me just clarify this space here,
I don't know who read this dumb space here except my bffs, (yes, this contradict my previous posts but things work out) and my bf but just to say,
this little space that I pen my thoughts down mean a lot to me.
First of all, it's MY webpage, I write whatever I want because the computer is not like you guys who sit behind behind the screen and judge.
So,
People might think that I rant, I say all these sadness and self-hating stuff to gain attention and all but the truth is I don't want people to know my deepest thoughts.
You guys might be thinking "why can't you just private it then"
The thing is, I don't want to but maybe I will somehow, one day. For now, I don't private because at least I have this psychological thinking that I know, I'm "talking" to someone.
If I private it, then why the hell do I need to blog this right. Might as well talk to myself.
Don't really feel like clarifying much anymore, but I'm grateful for those who are trying to cheer me up and stood by me. I don't know what I do to deserve these because I treat people badly and after all the pushing people away thing, I'm lucky they still came back.
