I have many mixed emotions now and I don't know how to tell.
All I know is I fell into a deep hole and I'm struggling to get out.
I don't see the point of shouting because of my ego.
I want to give up but a part of me don't.
I hate myself so much, I really hate asking what will be my fate.
I put in so much effort to see all my efforts went down in drain. I gave an input of 100% to see myself receiving an output of 30% while people gave a 80% input to receive a 90% output.
I am experiencing it again, its exactly the same feeling when i did my science prelim except now, if i fuck this one up, im doom because 30% of my life is gone.
I'm crying as I type this post and I wonder why I should even cry.
I go to sleep thinking it would be better when i woke up and it did felt better but when night falls i find myself curling and crying. I don't know what to do with my life, I can't think of my future.
I'm fuck up isnt it. I let my parents down, I let myself down.
Maybe I didn't tried my best. People say I can do it and I deny because a part of me said I can't.
I am experiencing it again, its exactly the same feeling when i did my science prelim except now, if i fuck this one up, im doom because 30% of my life is gone.
I'm crying as I type this post and I wonder why I should even cry.
I go to sleep thinking it would be better when i woke up and it did felt better but when night falls i find myself curling and crying. I don't know what to do with my life, I can't think of my future.
I'm fuck up isnt it. I let my parents down, I let myself down.
Maybe I didn't tried my best. People say I can do it and I deny because a part of me said I can't.
Some days I can't even trust myself, u can't expect me to say I can do it.
I hate someone telling me i can do it because it contradicts to what I am feeling.
I made people angry and disappointed because of my low self esteem and keep wanting to give up saying I can't do it but the thing is
I don't want to tell myself I can do it and end up feeling I didnt do it.
I dont want to put in expectation and to come back receiving a full chunk of disappointment because thats one of the worst feelings.
All I know is I experience it today. I thought maybe I could do it and I end up coming out swallowing my tears back home.
Im such a fuck up , arent I. I finally managed to sort out half of what I'm feeling.
I hate someone telling me i can do it because it contradicts to what I am feeling.
I made people angry and disappointed because of my low self esteem and keep wanting to give up saying I can't do it but the thing is
I don't want to tell myself I can do it and end up feeling I didnt do it.
I dont want to put in expectation and to come back receiving a full chunk of disappointment because thats one of the worst feelings.
All I know is I experience it today. I thought maybe I could do it and I end up coming out swallowing my tears back home.
Im such a fuck up , arent I. I finally managed to sort out half of what I'm feeling.
Now I wonder if I even deserve anybody's love because I can't even love myself and my actions irritate people. I didn't mean to, I felt like I say all these words to anger myself, scolding myself. I don't think I can ever explain this feeling and nobody will understand cause I don't expect them to when sometimes I can't understand myself.
4 comments:
Don't be discouraged! What happened? You could try confiding in your friends and such there's no such thing as not having a way out. I just recently stumbled upon your blog and boy, do you have lots of depressing posts! You could still text me if you want to you know :)
Don't worry though you're not the only one. People are failing everywhere in my school too. And it hurts our self-esteem so much cause we used to have such good results in the past. I'm talking like getting 1/10 for tests here so we all suffer from super low self-esteem :(
It's okay if you don't understand some topics, try moving on first, that's more important. Spend the weekend revising the topics you don't understand.
Procrastination is your biggest enemy. Just try sitting down and doing it.
Once you start, actually, it isn't so hard to continue. Trust me.
Cheer up flirting partner! :D
-Eileen
Omg eileen, I just saw this comment. Oh my i didnt know you would still come my blog! Hahaha thank you so much babe. I really really appreciate it. I miss you thou.
I really wanna thank you deep down from my heart hahaha.
Its just.. I chose this course as my first choice and i regret, because I didnt pursue what I wanted.. (Art)
Now im struggling because I hate it and i don't have the motivation to study or anything. I am not doing what I love and when i see people instagram and talk about how much they enjoy their course, I get really sad.
You should know how much I love art but everything is too late anyway.
Im trying to study hard thou but my GPA abit fuck up already..my parents keep saying like that they gave me the choice to choose my course in poly yet i still can fuck it up and be so indecisive, then felt like im such a let down.
And as for friends, got replaced easily or i find myself cant fit or anything. I dont know whats wrong with me la. Life is a mess lol.
aww eileen, hahah love you. no lor, you can do it one what, you so smart, i really slow learner. And you fail nevermind, what impt is A level, me? 1 test fail, thats it. My life is like over.
Well I know this might sound a little bit daunting but...have you considered switching courses? I don't know if that's actually possible in poly lah, but what you're doing now is like a preparation for your future job. So if you really don't like it...I think it's best to change into something you prefer. Don't choose pure art lah, because the job scope for that is quite small in SG. Choose something to do with animation? Like art and computer. It's quite lucrative. :)
Haiii no lah where got smart...My school here filled with smart peeps. And I'm like slacking D: They all super hardworking I'm like damn stress haha. Oh wells.
JIAYOUS :D
The only way to switch is if my family everybody have to come down to meet the director and explain why u wanna switch OR you do very well in this course but still wanna switch then my Personal tutor (something like form teacher) can recommend to other directors of the design school to get the course for me. Cause i mean they cause other directors would be like why you wanna throw me a sucha lousy student.. yknow. But even so, its too late to change and even if i managed to change i have to retain one year. Poly fees are not a small sum too. sigh
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