just another sleepless night

Why am I such a failure, such a let-down.

I am still such a hopeless person.

I tried really hard but I just do not know why I couldn't make it.

And now, I have to pay for the price for the foolish thing I've done.

It's not the first time already and I can't imagine how disappointed they are going to be this time round.

There's so many things going on right now and yesterday mark it as an atomic bomb just landed on me.

Why can't I make anyone proud in my life.
I hope to make my parents proud,
to make myself proud
to become something much more extraordinary and not "EXTRA ORDINARY"
oh wait, i'm worse than ordinary now.
to be a good sister
to be a good girlfriend
to be a good friend
to become beautiful, inside, out
to STOP comparing
I just want to finally feel I'm enough, for once.

This comparing thing is getting so out of hand that I can even compare myself with my sister. Dats right whenever she does something superior that me, I get upset and angry and even stopping her to continue to do those things because it irks my sight to see how loser I am.

It's like every day scrolling on people's instagram and I'm oh, I want to be her, Oh, Why can't I be like her. Oh, what should I do to be like her.
When can I ever stop this? When can I ever stop trying to fit in someone's else shoes and finally be contented with what my life has.
Or rather, when can the reverse side story come where I'm not the one trying to be in someone's shoes but be in the position where everyone tries to be "me".

Just want to get through poly, to get my grades and to get into a uni which is what my parents are dying to see. And to do this, I don't care what ways I even did. I have no morals, no integrity, no knowledge.

I push people away way too hard resulting one by one to leave.
Now that if you ask me if I have any genuine bff? No. Not even one.
If you see my Snapchat, I spend most of my days with B and that's pretty much my life has been going on for quite a while.

Having no bff hurts, but I feel this is only right for me. That I should just be alone always.

And then the truth is nobody likes me because of how ugly I really am, I tell to people all these mean stuff about people that I don't even mean. This happens all the time if I'm angry.

I say it because the person I'm really angry with, is myself. 

I say it so that people will hate me, punishing myself.

This is how ugly I have become. The last time I was such person was secondary 2/3 and I thought I changed but no. It returned.

And I realised, I am still the same girl, cutting herself although she swear so many times this was her last but every time I make a mistake, I just want to punish myself.
I hate myself so much, I have to see a wound in me before I can finally be at ease.
Besides, I can't stop the voice in my head.
I tried loving myself, but it's so hard, I have no talent, nothing for me to love.

I just hate myself and nobody can ever save me from this. nobody.