This isn't what I planned

I have no idea what I wanna say, I tried thinking what am I feeling because all I know is I am not okay.
I have many mixed emotions now and I don't know how to tell.
All I know is I fell into a deep hole and I'm struggling to get out.
I don't see the point of shouting because of my ego.
I want to give up but a part of me don't.
I hate myself so much, I really hate asking what will be my fate.

I put in so much effort to see all my efforts went down in drain. I gave an input of 100% to see myself receiving an output of 30% while people gave a 80% input to receive a 90% output.
I am experiencing it again, its exactly the same feeling when i did my science prelim except now, if i fuck this one up, im doom because 30% of my life is gone.
I'm crying as I type this post and I wonder why I should even cry.
I go to sleep thinking it would be better when i woke up and it did felt better but when night falls i find myself curling and crying. I don't know what to do with my life, I can't think of my future.
I'm fuck up isnt it. I let my parents down, I let myself down.
Maybe I didn't tried my best. People say I can do it and I deny because a part of me said I can't.

Some days I can't even trust myself, u can't expect me to say I can do it.
I hate someone telling me i can do it because it contradicts to what I am feeling.
I made people angry and disappointed because of my low self esteem and keep wanting to give up saying I can't do it but the thing is
I don't want to tell myself I can do it and end up feeling I didnt do it.
I dont want to put in expectation and to come back receiving a full chunk of disappointment because thats one of the worst feelings.
All I know is I experience it today. I thought maybe I could do it and I end up coming out swallowing my tears back home.
Im such a fuck up , arent I. I finally managed to sort out half of what I'm feeling.

Now I wonder if I even deserve anybody's love because I can't even love myself and  my actions irritate people. I didn't mean to, I felt like I say all these words to anger myself, scolding myself. I don't think I can ever explain this feeling and nobody will understand cause I don't expect them to when sometimes I can't understand myself. 

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I'm screwed

It's really sad that I am a slow learner. I take a very very long time to understand and master a topic or anything. Because it's so long that I occupy so much time in focusing and understand this topic, I cannot go on the next, and including the procrastination time etc , I always fail.

I've lost all motivation ever since O's. I really can't imagine the life back thn of how I struggle with every single thing, and crying countless nights to sleep of how screwed I'm gonna be for exam and now it's repeating. In the end my results were shit and I hate myself so much because I was so indecisive and always never pursue what I wanted due to society reasons that I ended up regretting what I take.

I was given art and because people told me art can do nothing and alot of time is required I appealed to e3 just cause they say the study environment will be better and have future or whatever shit. I got in but I was never happy and thinking what if I'm taking art.

I now had the chance to go to a art or design stream, I still didn't even try to put as one of my choices or appeal cause of how people told me its very hard to ace there.

Siewhui you really deserve a slap in your face.

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EXHAUSTED

Finally got a little time to blog, (actually no time one) But ya compared to other days,
i had tons of proj to complete including one of the major proposal that my group work so hard on. Some even slept at 5am and woke up at 7 to attend classes.
This coming monday will be MST, and this is fuck up because we had no time to study at all. How can you expect me to study if my whole week was burnt due to all the deadlines for my projects!!
Anyway here are some pictures and SP food are really awesome especially, MANA. Cheesecakes , nutella and banana crepe, oreo frappe. eclair and most importantly mac and cheese. Its foodgasm but ex la.

During the very first presentation that does not need to be so serious.

My group that we worked so hard for the project. The burden is finally off our shoulders. Its still very nice to see them give you a thumbs up and encouragement when we were presenting although there were so many disagreements during the project and kept quarreling.

This is our very formal wear that the teacher expect us to. BLOODY HOT HAHA.

Here is DEPM 04 and beside me is the very teacher who is so nice to us but expectation as high as ever.

Stupid annoying guailan kaiyeow at the back! Hahaha photobomb us always. Dont let us take nice pic!

Girls that I recently been eating with and all. The blue dress girl called Lining and call herself tony stark is really cute. I keep laughing at her personality (NOT AN INSULT) but she's just so cute.

ps/ i love hilary the pretty girl height. JUST LOOK AT HER HEIGHT :( 

LOL look at my happy face and Kaiyeow....... speechless hahaha Just look at his face in every pic.

People who are so lovely.

Our tired faces after 1/2 weeks of hard work.
Its awesome that the guys are so steady to camwhore and we do super unglam pose yet didnt judge. Besides, the guys have more silly ideas to camwhore than the girls! esp kaiyeow! SERIOUSLY.

My closest cousin who graduated!!

Although the food doesnt look very nice, but i swear the quality is 101% good.

Oh i miss my clique........ and yesterday was fifth monthsary with lover. We never really celebrate already because monthsary is NOTHING (ok got a little of something)(wth am i talking). Let me just say monthsary is nothing because we expect anniversary.

its ironic........... but well.. i get used to the sadness. That's good. I'm still adapting this new environment thou. 

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Here's to never growing up

SHE'S STILL THE SAME. AND SHE'S WEARING WHAT SHE WORE IN THE 2002 COMPLICATED VIDEO. IM IN TEARS, MY AVRIL HAS GROWN UP BUT SHE DOESNT EVEN LOOK OLD. I LOVE HER I LOVVVVVVEEE HER.

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May babies

Happy blessed birthday to my dear boy. Faster 18, our legal age to......... learn to drive car so i can dont always have to climb hill waste adult fare travelling to his god damn bloody far big house. HAHAHA ok fake.
I love you Loverboy! Hope you like the surprise the clique planned, along with the may babies who didnt know that the surprise included them too and they blurly planned for themselves too. HAHAHA.
WHEE ANOTHER HAPPY WEEKEND SPENT.

#teamsp #teamnp

 i trust all these girls with my lives

 Lastly, my lover. I love you so very much.

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