I have moved
11 May 2016
30 March 2016
02 March 2016
Why I choose to become like this
I think people who know me do know that if I cherish you, I really cherish you.
There's no doubt I put my current group of friends at the top priority and this is not really a good thing in terms that I made myself even more hard to socialize. But they do make me feel happy and really myself always.
If there is a case where my clique asking me out vs other friends, I definitely no doubt choose my clique even if there were times I agreed to meet others first. Thou this depends of course.
If it's my 2 girlfriends (jm and jo) I will still opt for them.
Maybe I would change this habit further along the way when I'm exposed to more people cause it's really not healthy to only choose to be in this circle and not venture out of the box and there were times where I'm really stressed out in this circle. It's not healthy in the sense this is probably the reaosn why people stopped asking me out after a while.
I'm not like the rest, able to go for camps, prioritize their CCA friends, having another clique etc.
There's no doubt I put my current group of friends at the top priority and this is not really a good thing in terms that I made myself even more hard to socialize. But they do make me feel happy and really myself always.
If there is a case where my clique asking me out vs other friends, I definitely no doubt choose my clique even if there were times I agreed to meet others first. Thou this depends of course.
If it's my 2 girlfriends (jm and jo) I will still opt for them.
Maybe I would change this habit further along the way when I'm exposed to more people cause it's really not healthy to only choose to be in this circle and not venture out of the box and there were times where I'm really stressed out in this circle. It's not healthy in the sense this is probably the reaosn why people stopped asking me out after a while.
I'm not like the rest, able to go for camps, prioritize their CCA friends, having another clique etc.
In this 20 years, I see many people come and go.
Ever since the age of primary 1, I will choose to have this ONE very best friend and we 2 will stick together as if we come as a package for 2 years cause that's when until the day we have to go separate parts again as we have to change classes. I will then see my then bff making other new friends, and I have to move on myself too. I was really sad as if I got replaced, but I easily made friends myself too. So it was fine.
All the way until Primary 5 when I decided to become 4 girls together and hanging out with more people. That's also where I met Jiamin and Jocelin.
I used to be really sensitive even the slightest things and just couldn't accept why people would just walk me out like that and of course the most hurtful one was definitely when I was 15. Thou I am okay now with him leaving but I still remember that feeling of lost.
And same goes to friendships etc.
After this 20 years, and a few days ago or a week back,
I thought to myself was I really heartless, and how could I say such words in my mouth as if we 2 had never ever happened.
Did I regret saying those? Maybe. I do. Was I guilty? I did waver on this. But it's a no in the end.
I met many people changed, and they choose to walk out the door. And when they walked out, it just make everything so awkward after that.
Did I regret saying those? Maybe. I do. Was I guilty? I did waver on this. But it's a no in the end.
I met many people changed, and they choose to walk out the door. And when they walked out, it just make everything so awkward after that.
Maybe it was me who made it awkward because back in my mind, I couldn't help but to think why did you want to walk out and choose not continue to talk like we used to? We did not even have a big fight before they walk out, so I guess it's more of a accumulated thing.
But to me now, when you choose to walk out from my life, maybe due to me doing something wrong, I do make the effort to chase you back.
I do make the effort to amend things that maybe somewhere the others did you wrong.
I do make the effort to talk to you.
I do make the effort to accompany you despite the late hours.
I do make the effort to meet up with you or to invite you too to join us.
I do make the effort to DEFEND you when people talk shit about you.
I do make the effort to give you advice.
But if you choose to walk out and decided not to be close to me or anything, Go Ahead.
And you know what's the thing I felt really unpleased of? Is when the person choose to walk out and expect me to chase back or blames the world/me/us on the reason why she left.
I mean it's your choice to walk out on me.
I'm a human too, I do get tired to chase people back. I do get tired when people give me all their shit behaviors and blames me for it and then is unhappy about some really ridiculous issues. I do get tired of questioning myself if I done something wrong and how to improve the relationship. I do get tired if you have never been happy for me. Be it birthdays or I have achieved something in life.
I'm a human too, I do get tired to chase people back. I do get tired when people give me all their shit behaviors and blames me for it and then is unhappy about some really ridiculous issues. I do get tired of questioning myself if I done something wrong and how to improve the relationship. I do get tired if you have never been happy for me. Be it birthdays or I have achieved something in life.
Maybe I was at fault too and if you did, I do try to amend things. Maybe I didn't give my best effort and maybe it wasn't enough.
If a person walk out on me, just go and don't expect a relationship to be back the same. Cause it really doesn't. What I feel was it will definitely take more than 2 hands to clap to make the whole thing work out and be back to the same where it was.
When the person walk out, just let them. As long as you feel that you have done enough, losing them doesn't matter. They are just somebody you used to know. And THAT'S OKAY because that's life.
Same goes to me, when I choose to walk out on this group of people, I made sure I done enough to make myself stay but if things just isn't working then so be it. I walk out and be it still friends (just not as close as before) just make sure I don't regret. If I regret, I head back and double the effort for thing to work out again but if I know that it will never be the same, then that's life.
So I don't understand why my mum/dad/whoever else is saying why am I like this, maybe the person wants to get back with me so why am I not allowing it to happen. Why am I so rude. Why am I so heartless. Why am I such a person.
When the person walk out, just let them. As long as you feel that you have done enough, losing them doesn't matter. They are just somebody you used to know. And THAT'S OKAY because that's life.
Same goes to me, when I choose to walk out on this group of people, I made sure I done enough to make myself stay but if things just isn't working then so be it. I walk out and be it still friends (just not as close as before) just make sure I don't regret. If I regret, I head back and double the effort for thing to work out again but if I know that it will never be the same, then that's life.
So I don't understand why my mum/dad/whoever else is saying why am I like this, maybe the person wants to get back with me so why am I not allowing it to happen. Why am I so rude. Why am I so heartless. Why am I such a person.
Well, I'm sorry, when they left, I AM HURT TOO. Unless they truly meant it when they said I do mean something in their heart and they really really really really do wish for us to be together and willing to take my hands to clap together, then yes. But if the person choose to walk out, I don't see why I should make the effort to make the relationship work again. I can't deny, I'm the person who is really stubborn and don't like to lose my face and definitely don't like to say sorry when it comes to such issues unless I found myself really in deep shit due to MY mistakes.
I honestly don't see why I need to make the effort. I am hurt too when the person walked out. I tried to make the person stay. The person didn't. I remember everyone that leaves.
Just make sure this person take note: I do not regret my actions of not calling you to stay (again) when you choose to make that exit and you have no rights to feel you have lost something. You are the one who don't let us in. NOT the other way round. I honestly hope you read this because this is what I WAS TRULY feeling.
Just make sure this person take note: I do not regret my actions of not calling you to stay (again) when you choose to make that exit and you have no rights to feel you have lost something. You are the one who don't let us in. NOT the other way round. I honestly hope you read this because this is what I WAS TRULY feeling.
28 February 2016
4.34am
One of the rare times im up awake feeling depressed as hell. Every such night I'm so scared I swear. My heart hurts so bad. My mucus come out like crazy. My face shivers. Taking deep breaths.
Oh how I wish my sis would wake up and save me.
I have to quickly sleep so that this horrible feeling will be gone. Till next time resurface.
One of the rare times im up awake feeling depressed as hell. Every such night I'm so scared I swear. My heart hurts so bad. My mucus come out like crazy. My face shivers. Taking deep breaths.
Oh how I wish my sis would wake up and save me.
I have to quickly sleep so that this horrible feeling will be gone. Till next time resurface.
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